01-07-2004, 10:30 AM
Inexperienced Chili Taster
>
> Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named
> FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
>
> "Recently I was honored to be selected as
> a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
> called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
> at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
> when the call came. I was assured by the other two
> judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
> that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
> free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are
> the scorecards from the event:
>
> Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
> kick.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
> could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
> two beers to put the flames out. I hope
> that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
> Jalapeno tang.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
> to be taken seriously.
>
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
> sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
> to wave off two people who wanted to give me
> the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
> beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
> Needs more beans.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
> of red peppers.
>
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
> My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
> Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
> beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
> back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
> I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
>
> Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
>
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
> side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
> chili.
>
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
> but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out
> taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind
> me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is
> starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste
> I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use
> more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
> and four people behind me needed paramedics.
> The contestant seemed offended when I
> told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
> Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
> by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I
> wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
>
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
> me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks!
>
> Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> Good balance of spice and peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> onions, and garlic. Superb!
>
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
> with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I
> farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
> No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she
> must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
> wipe my ass with a snow cone!
>
> Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
> on canned peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
> should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3.
> He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
> the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost
> the sight in one eye, and the world
> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
> covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my
> mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit
> to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
> they'll know what killed me.
>
> I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
> Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
> If I need air, I'll just suck it
> in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
> chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
> existence.
>
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
> chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
> of it was lost when Judge Number 3
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
> on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
> Poor Yank, wonder how he'd
> have reacted to a really hot chili?
>
> FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
> unable to report)
>
> Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named
> FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
>
> "Recently I was honored to be selected as
> a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
> called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
> at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
> when the call came. I was assured by the other two
> judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
> that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
> free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are
> the scorecards from the event:
>
> Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
> kick.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
> could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
> two beers to put the flames out. I hope
> that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
> Jalapeno tang.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
> to be taken seriously.
>
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
> sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
> to wave off two people who wanted to give me
> the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
> beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
> Needs more beans.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
> of red peppers.
>
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
> My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
> Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
> beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
> back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
> I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
>
> Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
>
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
> side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
> chili.
>
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
> but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out
> taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind
> me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is
> starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste
> I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use
> more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
> and four people behind me needed paramedics.
> The contestant seemed offended when I
> told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
> Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
> by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I
> wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
>
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
> me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks!
>
> Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> Good balance of spice and peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> onions, and garlic. Superb!
>
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
> with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I
> farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
> No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she
> must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
> wipe my ass with a snow cone!
>
> Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
> on canned peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
> should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3.
> He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
> the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost
> the sight in one eye, and the world
> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
> covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my
> mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit
> to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
> they'll know what killed me.
>
> I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
> Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
> If I need air, I'll just suck it
> in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
> chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
> existence.
>
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
> chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
> of it was lost when Judge Number 3
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
> on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
> Poor Yank, wonder how he'd
> have reacted to a really hot chili?
>
> FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
> unable to report)